No do not accept him back. I married an alcoholic whom didnt stay in recovery. Often my thoughts and actions at home and work do not make sense now; and some are illegal, unethical, and stupid. While he has his Triumph. MY choice to be a Christian and follow a moral path is what polices me to do rightEVEN when I know someone would let me get away with doing wrong. What should I do? Perhaps being in two different countries helped in protecting me from worse manipulation (and perhaps seeing how ugly his behind-the-scenes is). Let them live their small lives while you carry on with complete indifference. He cannot even look me in the eye and refuses to communicate with me regarding the kids. I love seeing myself through my eyes imagining how I look through your eyes. My gf wants to go for dinner and he doesnt like it and doesnt want me to go. In conclusion, it is clear that my ex narcissist has not contacted me since our breakup. I have PTSD from being in a relationship with a narc, which has been clinically diagnosed but reading these articles can sometimes confuse the hell out of me. I tried it. (!). Narcs receive supply from being loving towards them and also arguing with them. This is her issue, not yours. its been a month and he popped up again. He told me he picked me on purpose to break his pattern of dating crazies. *head smack* Notice the opening paragraph where he manages to shoot down my family, my religious background, my summer job and my college friends in a few short sentences. That tarot card reading has me spooked. I tend to think it was an act of self-preservation. After he made me look crazy in October 2016, I now have PTSD. Then proceeds to tell me his ideas to address the problem. Be genuinely loving. Im sure he has convinced himself I am no good and he is better off..that way his ego can live with being dumped. After that, in a typical narcissistic style, the conversation will switch to youll never find anyone to love you as much as they did because youre too flawed. I spoke to him by email and regretted it. Narcissists act (or refrain from acting) based solely on the availability of Narcissistic Supply (or lack thereof). I sent him an email last week asking him not to contact me anymore. My ex was with another woman last year who apparently was his best friend. for starters you will soon realize what you need to do for yourself to heal. I went through them myself, and also hear about these same Narc behaviors from my clients. This seems to hold even after years or decades. My narc has ignored me for 9 months until last week when he approached me about our home. Always. I dont discuss my opinions about your mental illness with them, nor do I discuss yours and your brothers rampant smear campaign. Regarding wanting to have an adult conversation and end things maturely, that typically doesnt happen. No Contact makes the narcissist feel small, worthless, and powerless. I keep trying to justify his behavior. You dont want to touch that and those diseases. Hugs. If i argued with her it would blow out of proportions and it would take weeks to rebuild the connection. And trust me, one day they will ask because as they get older they will start to question his craziness. Better person I dont know. Im in a great relationship. I like feel alone at that time. He now has stalked and harassed me to no end. When I was told ten years ago I had brain tumor over the phone I was on my way to therapy. We were like best friends. Is It Not A Form Of Control Over You? I want her to get in contact, so that I can be the one to finally say , we are done. I found out of her web of lies when discussing the issues with mutual friends that had loyalty to me. I let the fragile weak women die in me and like a bird i break free and gonna be born again. I grew up with an emotionally abusive father and he was aware of this. Where you can .. on. She doesnt even bother with the dog anymore, which is why I think shes gone for good this time. I really do. But the real challenge is when he contacts me. You are so right, Eden. One thing in my favor is that I dont feel in love with my narc anymore, but I do feel a lot of compassion and friendship for him. When I finally put my foot down and opened my own bank accounts because I was tired of him keeping us broke I was being selfish. I read the letter first and I believe- I was guided to it for a reason. It has been a few years now and it has ripped me apart and affects my life. That he didnt mean to hurt me, never wants to see me hurt..but no apology. He is now with a new supply I have been with no contact for 9 months. He however denies everything categorically. I stricktly wrote him never never to contact me again. I mailed him the next day that i dont want ever ever no more a relation with him. I guess that applies to his relationship as well. But it has to. However, a large part of the reason we feel an attachment is often because of trauma-bonding and the mental/physical addiction that occurs as a result of emotional abuse and manipulation. Their pattern is idealise, devalue, discard. Well, thats what I thought I would be. A narcissist might use specific tools and tactics to induce others with negative thinking. It depends on how long you two have been together. I was still hurt about him going silent on me for six months (and not responding to my e-mail) but I was not searching for him online. The narcissists jealousy may even lead them to try and sabotage your new relationship by spreading rumors about you or your new partner. What a miserable life. It took me stepping away from them and living at a greater distance from them, despite loving them unconditionally, to see the madness. He has distraction. I miss her. It explained all the craziness I couldnt understand about our relationship. He could be very supportive and I joked that he was a woman whisperer a kind of guy that there was some reciprocity there he could listen just as well as he would talk. I caught him once again lying about a girl and still does. He only told vicious lies about me and blamed me for his infidelity and drug use because I didnt or couldnt make him happy enough. He texts me last night angry and drunk (super attractive that is lol) and I responded one time, quite rudely, and then blocked the bastards number and went to sleep. There has been no evidence of slander or of him being in another relationship, however, people whi I do not know are quite freely infirming me if this free information after the fact of confirmation of return. It is her way of getting back at the people who raised her. My healing is slow and methodical. We cannot rely on them to make that decision. Theyre incredibly giving and very forgiving. The mind fuckery The future faking The list is endless. This one I am still dealing with has been a nightmare to come to terms with from an emotional standpoint. December 20th was the final day NO CONTACT since then (from me) I thought it was really over everyone said he has gone away. Rod thanks for your input. A coward who will never know true love. He will never let me talk badly about myself ie if I say something about my part in our break up. Guess it didnt matter to the police that I had marks all over my body and I was actually bleeding on my arm. Thanks! I say jargon because his behavior certainly didnt reflect his words. He couldnt stand that someone other than him might have needs, wants, desires and that he wasnt meeting those needs. This is all about them. For example, he could be a Narcissist and Borderline, too (or vice versa). You should text or call him once you have a good reason to do it. Im starting to wonder if maybe a conversation needs to be had to either reaffirm my decision, give him an opportunity to show his humanity, I dont know. I have a hard head and have struggled for years. When they try to come back onto the scene after a long stretch of silence, they have been scheming. So I let her know I would not be giving it to her but she was welcome to buy it when I was ready to sell it and told her I hoped it wouldnt ruin our relationship. However, he was always emotionally putting me down, calling me stupid or crazy, or that my way of thinking was crazy. This was just a jab in order to do exactly what you describedto hurt you. Let his sin be known and refuse to cover it up for him like he wants you to! He was a 6 4 gym freak who made her feel safe and laugh until it hurt. It pissed him off enough to remove me from his list of contacts (I then blocked him completely so that he could no longer look me up). Certainly dont miss the drama. If a letter comes, dont open it, burn it. All my research and going back into therapy and now reading this page has helped me to understand it wasnt me and there is never enough. In many cases, they are even harder to get over. And I think you are rightI think it would be great to collect letters like these, point out the red flags in them and publish them for others. Dont sue someone who can prove you had an relationship. Because he is busy with himself going out do his thing. I made the mistake of answering that first call two months ago, I wont make it again. I can see now after 4 months, why other ppl kept saying they are a better person because of the N. I sure learned the importance of boundaries and trust my gut. By this point, hed been trying to call/text for four weeks, why not send a letter? I was used & abused verbally & emotionally to the point of Total EXHAUSTION without realising until months after he discarded me like a used dirty tissue The confusion. This seems to be true no matter what has happened before. He said that i have to give him some time. I thought nothing of it at the time, as I was just being myself. Let me tell you and anyone reading this: youre not alone. He is now with that other person. The silent treatments. The narcissist knows this and will play on the weakness of their ex. I can relate, big time! Oh, and this girl clearly sleeps around a lot. He took on my other three kids from previous marriage. I cant imagine living an entire life with no escape or if I tried being brought to submission or outcast from family and friends. Indirect manipulation. She looks beautiful and I lost that or I dont even know if he really *saw* me, as in the way I looked, like maybe he noticed those passion marks and now he know Im no longer sitting around crying like he *thought* I might be, still brokenhearted. For Someone so fantastic and beyond you. Understand that I was replying specifically to Matt. Do what your spirit tells you. I tried to contact him at first with no luck, Then I did no contact for 60 days, nothing. Relationships with narcissists have a cycle to them that plays out again and again. Not reliable. Reading Suggestion: How Dating a Narcissist Changes You. This can happen until the passage of time breaks the chemical bond to them. In any case, tiredofliars8 and I sound like we went through a lot of the same kinds of things with a very similar personality type. He plays chess with people. I have an IQ of 150, have never done drugs in my life (not even pot) and do not have any mental disorders. I know the danger of having Contact which is that all of the things listed above may be tucked away and the cycle could repeat itself. Told him this time I do have something to say. He is just an empty shell. That last part may not be healthy, but thats where I am now. Youre not that smartbut great at being a bully. I have the cat who is happy and thriving and settled and secure after surviving Camerons neglect. Then he texted me that he hoped for me to Find finally the love of my life because he has found that one. After crying, talking, and crying a lot more, he left, and I closed the door behind him. Someone took away his lollipop and there is hell to pay. Ive supported her through so much, mentally, emotionally, financially and she doesnt seem to remember any of it. He cant be a friend and you know this. So, I think he sees ME as his saving grace. If he can still affect you, if he knows you are monitoring his actions, feeling bad or upset that he has not contacted you, he will use this period to manipulate you. I would never be happy with such a childish, inresponcible Narcist. This is the point I look back on and realise I was so in love with her the rational part oif my brain stopped working. Try meditation if you can. I cannot describe it. It was definitely a setback for me as well, in many ways, but I do not view it as all bad because I really did and do care for you. Our last conversation she was telling me to leave her alone and how much better off she is without me. You are also one who I know has been deeply wounded by numerous men in your past. Either way, you dont want to be him right now. They can pretend to be for short periods of time, but theres always a devastating reason behind it. There is also a fear of what comes next when they arent returning as expected because we dont know who we are anymore without the narcissist in our lives. See, before he went to my landladys house, he didnt really know I was purposely in no contact mode. I blocked him from my social media profiles about 2 months ago. So dear friend I understand how difficult when it appears to the rest of the world that you have a great partner and marriage when you know the reality of it all. I have been physically separated for 2 years and one month. Sort of creepy really. So, my ex narc left me three months ago after a 3.5 year relationship for the woman he was involved with before mea 17 year relationship I had no knowledge of, in fact, it is my belief that they never ended that relationship even though he was living with me. It's been a while since your breakup and things didn't end on a good note. And he is a very proud man. I thought the same about my ex. Even though its recently ended, he has tried to regain contact, to which I originally thought he must want control over me again. Stay strong and dont disrespect your own integrity by acting like his friend for his egos sake! Thus resulting in devaluation of myself and allowing her to walk over me. Just curious to get your thoughts on this. Its hard to resist, I know, when they start acting the romantic, but its important to remember its just an act. I can tolerate that but not abuse. I meet him 3 1/2 years ago, he was the most charming person Id every met my soul mate. My ex husband and I had been together for 14 years, we married on our 7 year anniversary. Thank you also Eden. But him at his best is still dysfunctional. Thanks for sharring. I said I do, but I wont let you have that satisfaction of wAtching me fight. If I did Id probably be on some late-night infomercial. Many factors might go into the decision, but those factors all play a role in whether they will try to hoover someone else or not. I was too, wondering when that would stop, but I came up with the same conclusion: never! What does he want from me? After months of drama and him being distant (but at the same time saying he loved me and that he wanted to grow old with me), I broke up with him. He thought he was doing it to me but after talking to her, he knew that if she could call me, then I must be ignoring him. they will even take that !!.. Who blames them? Let me know hey. Because narcissists only connect with people who provide narcissistic supply. I read once that the nice narcs are truly wolves in sheep clothing. They have gained absolutely nothing by doing this to us I am at a point i dont cry anymore. Now hes all settled and happy hes been wanting to have contact with the kids and for the past two weeks (every tues) for an hour I have allowed him access. My narcissist ex hasn't contacted me in 109 days. There is a hidden message in everything they say. You think you are completely over them but letting them in too soon gives them the opening to triangulate, manipulate and mind phuck. Narcs and Psychos dont do this. And the story will repeat again, maybe shell catch him and get out instead of staying like I did for 4 years. I will have to be strong and say no otherwise will go back in the vicious circle. Dont buy it. I seriously dont have any reason to hope my family or friends will return. Im glad you are able to get some sort of relief from reading my posts. Thank you. But I recovered it. I ran over and tapped on the window and was abruptly told to go away and the guy in the drivers seat was her brother. Ive come to accept he will neve change and that he will never ever come back to me ( not even to apologize for the hell hes making me go throught and affecting our son too). John is a novelist, writer, entrepreneur, and consultant, whose best consulting is focused on what he did that others should avoid. We had so many plans holidays etc. Vincent Cassel: 'Every time a man does something wrong now, he's a pervert manipulator narcissist' The French star of 'La Haine' and 'Irrversible' speaks to James Mottram about . When you wrote to him and rejected him, he lied and said it was a joke because he felt embarrassed. They will even compare the level of supply they get from different partners. The narcissist will assess the situation to see which direction they need to take to worm their way back into your life. She may return days, weeks, months or years later, depending on her needs. We met a year after they split and to she was literally the best thing that had ever happened to me. I suppose he was falling in his version of love, but Ill never know for sure. By the time my second child was born zero affection, intimacy the mask started to fall and he knew that I knew! I was, am, the scapegoat. In many cases, they are even harder to get over. I never heard or saw him again. And maybe more so as they might be subjected to childhood trauma for being devalued as effeminate, and because men can more eerily reflect back the narcs ultimate self-love they are seeking (as the love letter above captures well). When I turned around, he was behind me so I went into the house and pushed my door together while I gathered up the equipment then I took it outside on the porch and handed it to him. Obviously without you I would not die, but a part of me would. Seven months later. Their actions actually turned me off. They are acctualy jealours of us because we can escape from the monster in him. I thought all of this was normal because every relationship has a intense, honeymoon phase and then things settle into a more routine phase. He was emotionally and verbally abuse telling me to shut up, the world would be a better place if I couldnt talk. I went to court house for EPO and they couldnt do it, because he was silent for a week and wasnt threatening me etc. Everyone experiences jealousy because its a natural emotion. I had been convinced that so many things I saw, felt, or perceived were in my head, or, [me] digging for answers instead of leaving things alone. Odd, isnt it? He attempted a hoover January 2020. -Not giving partner recognition for things that normally would be considered very nice gestures of sharing but always expecting recognition for theirs I love being your answer. Suing her for $43,000. He wants the house but I am not budging and he is freaking. The answer to that question is EVERYTHING! Everything Ive read, everything I know tells me this isnt what I really want but I feel so broken and worthless. AMONGST 14 OTHER PPL. However, they will use these weaknesses against you if they need to. The next best thing is to create a scenario in which the narcissist would never want to contact you because they would have nothing to gain. I bought him 2 cars which were never good enough. Child is best for child and for you in Abuse and CoDependency Recovery going through similar I am not an expert but serious watch this lady Lisa A Romano (married twice to 2 Narcissists and watch Ross Rosenburg counselor super aware too). when the narcissist stops contacting you. I did, and that was when she came after me with reckless abandon. I know I was . Is this typical N behavior? Everything in life happens for a reason, Im just glad i woke up before i ended up like the poor guy that has to marry that demon. Good Luck. This is only going to set you back again and from someone who did it twice, it is worse cuz they know youll take it and you end up so depressed and confused. Now looking at the ease with which its all gone away such a simple interaction do you want a fresh start yes ok lets not talk about the past good idea. Now when i am so called happy and dont need him. So perhaps we can all utalise that hurt to think what have we gained from this HORRIFIC, life changing ordeal & experience ?? I will be stronger than i did before. I dont agree with any of it, its just how Narcissists think. I only mention this in order to highlight the fact that everything he claimed to love about me and find in common with himself are now the things he hates and denigrates. Now because i feel humiliated i send three long emails to him. The moment youre down on your luck, the narcissist will use the hoovering tactic to suck you back in. If I tell him off about his narc behavior he accepts it. Click Image to Order via Amazon. Maybe its only that. So i have got to stay strong. If you like this article, youll also enjoy these: Kristen Milstead is a narcissistic abuse survivor who has become a strong advocate for finding your unique voice and using it to help others find theirs. He accepts my terms which areno triangulation with his new paramours, no lying, no declarations of love and no meeting in person. Once we begin to really and truly love ourselves, we come to realize that what they did to us was unacceptable. Ex left me, remember? I called out his lies in front of people and came off looking crazy. What a typically thing to do for a N!!! Like everyone else I struggle with the horrible feeling of missing her and thinking about her all the time.plus 3 months ago my mom passed away too to add on top of things. 4. Go figure. Just because you are no longer married doesn't mean that life after divorce from a narcissist is going to be total freedom. I think I triggered something during my visit that was seen as critical of him. I heard he is hurt (really?). Youd love it. Again acceptance he was disordered helped me find peace. What I know is that narcissism really exists on a spectrum, although its easier and useful to think of narcissism as categories of individuals. One may wonder why I get so many of them (Ive mentioned the group of 7 elsewhere before). She cant get back at them specifically, so she picked you instead. He has nobody to control but his own daughter. My ex was a fullfledged NARC to the tee. It got ugly but I loved him so much, I forgave him everytime. Know that many people are in this simulair situation. At least I hope! His dad just loved that dog more than anything. Yes, I was addicted to the loving feeling, but Ive dealt with that and I have confronted myself, examining why I ignored red flags and boundary issues I didnt know I had. She also signed a deed of trust two months before we split. Be thankful you are out. When meeting a new prospect, Id suggest the three strikes rule. Be strong and do not let anyone undermine or control you. Second, psychologically, there is a constant tension inside us due to desiring someone who causes us such pain and yet periodically comes back to rescue us from it. Helpt me with the car etc.. If anyone is in denial its him. All of the things she said were meaningless, despite me wanting to believe them. keep tabs on me)? . Hell find someone else once he gets bored like they always do. My ex really really did try harder with me and I know this for a fact but it was always precipitated by me dumping him. We must lover ourself just as much as our childeren. I have no doubt you will one day hear a similar story with this BPD girl and the new supply. Sorry to keep asking probably irrelevant questions. Watch out. So, Im fairly certain hes done with me. it had become so defining, or at least had become a thing that I was constantly engaged with even though my interactions were full of stress depression anger when I went NC I found the emptiness hard to cope with, looking then at my newly ostracized place outside of the community I had up till then freely enjoyed I was now even bereft of the abuser and in a way I was so lonely that I missed even that utterly perverse I know, Now having had this denouement where his approach and my acceptance of it has kind of taken the substance out of my circumstances the definition was clear and easy before I had just felt too that I had come to terms with everything and was getting on getting on. Why torture yourself reading her posts and seeing photos of her with this other guy. Why? Told him he was a liar, manipulator, attention seeking narcissist. Last year, an ex-colleague started to woo me. In all you wrote what stood out for me is your son. Nothing else mattered. I wish there were more male posters, because women with narcissistic traits are just as prevalent, and often more dangerous. Puts here self a side.. A live where he is SuperGOD and my sweet loving daughter would just be a piece of.. Leave without any goodbye or hint whatsoever, to never speak to them ever again. I would, but Im busy right now getting divorced. Do narc do stuff like this, get you ready for their return by leaving clues like that? thank you, how do I survive Narc mother convinced entire family including my kids I am no good since no contact with her I am very sad. Sally, if he is truly a Narcissist, then this is indeed a hoovering attempt. Then i got weak again. BPD psychopaths are the worst psychopaths, opposite to what you may suspect. So, Ive done a lot of reading and digging to figure out what my ex common law was. Answer (1 of 4): First of all, I recognize that you have feelings: you feel sad about being away from someone you cared about. She was 16 he 27. These Narcs hold power over you only if you let them.